Understanding Mum Guilt And How To Overcome It
Becoming a mum is a whirlwind of emotions. There’s joy, excitement, and an overwhelming sense of love for your new baby. But alongside all of that, many new mums also experience feelings of guilt. It can creep in when you least expect it - when you’re tired, frustrated, or questioning your parenting choices. This mum guilt is something many of us struggle with.
In fact, according to a survey by baby care product company NUK, 87 per cent of mothers feel guilty at some point, with 21 per cent feeling this way most or all of the time.
As a cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist and founder of the Happy Mum Programme, I’ve worked with many new mums who are dealing with guilt. It’s important to remember that feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong - it simply means you care deeply about your baby and are trying your best. Let’s unpack some of the common causes of new mum guilt and how you can start to manage it.
1. The Pressure To Be “Perfect”
From the moment your baby is born, it’s easy to feel like you need to do everything perfectly. Whether it’s breastfeeding, getting your baby to sleep, or balancing your baby’s needs with the rest of your life, it can feel like everyone else has it all figured out, while you’re just trying to keep your head above water. Social media often adds to this pressure, with picture-perfect mums seemingly managing it all with ease.
But here’s the thing - there’s no such thing as a perfect mum. Every baby is different, and every mum has her own unique journey. You’re doing what’s right for your baby, and that’s what matters. Embrace the fact that motherhood is messy, unpredictable, and beautifully imperfect. Let go of the idea of perfection and focus on doing what feels right for you and your baby.
2. Feeling Guilty For Taking Time For Yourself
Many mums feel guilty for wanting or needing time for themselves. You might feel like you should always be there for your baby, and taking time away is somehow selfish. Whether it’s going for a walk, having a long bath, or grabbing a coffee with friends, the guilt can creep in, making you feel like you’re neglecting your baby by focusing on your own needs.
But here’s the truth: self-care is not selfish. In fact, it’s essential. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and taking time to rest, recharge, and do something you enjoy will make you a more present, patient, and a happier mum. It’s important to remember that your well-being is just as important as your baby’s. A happy mum really does equal a happy baby.
3. Comparing Yourself To Other Mums
It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, and as a new mum, you’re likely to compare how you’re doing with other mums around you. Whether it’s at baby groups or online, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “She’s doing better than me” or “Her baby sleeps through the night and mine doesn’t.”
Remember that every mums journey is different, and no one has it all together 100% of the time, no matter how it looks from the outside. Focus on your own experience and trust that you’re doing what’s best for your baby. Comparisons only breed insecurity and guilt, but they don’t reflect the reality of what’s happening behind closed doors.
4. Returning To Work (Or Not)
For many mums, the decision to return to work can trigger guilt, whether you choose to go back or decide to stay at home. If you return to work, you might feel guilty for leaving your baby in someone else’s care or for not spending as much time with them. On the other hand, if you stay at home, you might feel guilty for not contributing financially or for feeling a bit lost in your new role.
Whatever choice you make, it’s important to own that decision. Trust that you’ve chosen what’s right for your family, and that’s all that matters. Your baby will thrive as long as they’re loved and cared for, and that love can come from many places, whether it’s you, a partner, or a trusted caregiver.
5. The “Should Have” Mentality
New mum guilt often stems from the feeling that you “should” be doing things a certain way. You might think, “I should have breastfed for longer,” “I should have tried harder to get my baby to sleep,” or “I should be enjoying every moment, but I’m exhausted.” This constant self criticism can quickly lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
It’s time to reframe the “should haves” into “I’m doing my best.” No mum gets everything right all the time, and that’s completely ok. Focus on what you’re doing rather than what you think you’re falling short on. Celebrate the small wins - getting through a tough day, comforting your baby when they’re upset, or simply showing up, even when you’re exhausted.
7. Getting Help And Support
One of the best ways to manage new mum guilt is to talk about it. Whether it’s with your partner, friends, family, or a support group, sharing your feelings can help you realise that you’re not alone. Many mums feel the same way and talking through can really lighten the load.
If you’re really struggling with guilt or anxiety, professional support can make a big difference. Cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy, for example, can help you work through the thoughts and feelings that are holding you back and develop healthier ways of coping.
Conclusion
New mum guilt is incredibly common, but it doesn’t have to define your experience of motherhood. Remember that you’re doing your best, and that’s enough. You are not alone in feeling this way, and with time, patience, and self-compassion, you can start to let go of the guilt and embrace the beautiful, messy, and unpredictable journey of being a mum.
If you’re struggling with guilt, anxiety, or feeling overwhelmed, the Happy Mum Programme is here to help. Through personalised support and therapeutic techniques, I can help you feel more confident, calm, and happy in your role as a mum.
